Romantic Regrets

A couple days ago, a study was reported on in which 44% of the women surveyed had regrets about their romantic relationships. I thought it was pretty remarkable that so many people are unhappy in their relationships or felt that there was a "one who got away" that they wished they were with. However, it first bears mentioning that the only methodology mentioned was that 370 adults were surveyed ranging in age from 20 to 80, but no details on how many of those people were women or how many women were in each age range.

In any case, this story made me think about society's expectations for romantic relationships, and whether we're getting in our own way. If you see your significant other as a "stomach-scratching blob," I could see why you wouldn't be happy; but regretting the one who got away just keeps you stuck in a fantasy world of what might have been. In all likelihood, you would still have had the same number of problems with "the one" that you do with your current partner, you only think things would be better because you weren't with "the one" long enough for those problems to arise. Many people have this strange notion that the right relationship is supposed to be easy, but that's just wishful thinking. No relationship is like that because everyone has their flaws and faults. The real question is whether you love that person enough and have patience enough to work through it.

Sometimes, things just can't be worked out, which is well and good when you're dating since you can go your separate ways and deal with your issues or not as you see fit. But what about what this means for a marriage? What if you have children? How do your regrets play into that scenario? Do they get so in the way of your relationship that you don't try as hard to be a good spouse and parent? I've heard it said that if you're married without kids, then you're really just dating; you don't know what a marriage is actually like. Obviously I can't speak to that with experience, but it makes some sense to me. Maybe so many women had regrets about their romantic relationships because they didn't consider how kids would change the relationship? Maybe both sides are just so tired from raising their children that they can't even think about romance?

I think maybe the real problem is that people change. It's unrealistic to expect yourself and the person you're with to stay the same for forty years or more. Every experience we have changes us a little bit, and maybe it happens that couples change into people that they don't want to be with anymore. We place so much weight and importance on falling in love and feeling that strong connection, but maybe we should be thinking about whether we can change along with the person we're with rather than grow apart. That's not to say that I don't believe in falling in love or that I think we should settle for the best that's currently available. I feel so sad for people I know who settle for someone who's obviously wrong for them because they don't believe in real, honest love. Even though I don't believe in "the one," I do think it's important to hold out for someone who not only makes you feel good, but makes you feel good about yourself.

So are people making bad decisions with their relationships that they regret? Or are they just not working hard enough to keep the romance alive, and so they regret their choice? It's difficult not to look back and think, "I should have done that differently," but could you have? I guess this "study" bothers me because I don't see the point in dwelling on regrets. You can't know how things will turn out, and it's statistically impossible to make the right decision every time.

I am at a disadvantage here, however. My longest relationship lasted a little over two years, and that ended over four years ago, during which I haven't been in a relationship at all. So maybe those of you in long-term relationships could weigh in? What do you think about the high instance of women who regret their romantic relationships?